I'm a mess...

I wrote this post over a week ago. For some reason I just couldn't post it. My feelings were just too raw and uncertain. I wasn't even sure I was believing what I wrote. Even though I want to write this all down because it's our family's story, I couldn't figure out what was too private and what was ok to say out loud. I'm still not 100% sure, but I couldn't tell our story without the emotion behind it when I wrote it. So, I'm just gonna put it out there and you all will have to know it was just the reality of where I was right then. It's a jumbled mess of train of thought, so I apologize for the incoherancy. I was pretty incoherant though, so it fits...LOL!

Thankfully, my next post will be more upbeat and you will hear some good news! But I had to post this or it wouldn't make sense!

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Ok, I'm sorta having "one of those" moments. I just want this adoption to be over with already. I know, I know. I have NO RIGHT saying this since we haven't even finished with our dossier and there are plenty of other families that are having to wait YEARS to get their referral.

I get that. I do.

It's just that, right now... I just want my kiddos to be home.

I just want to get on with the reality of life with three more sweeties. I'm tired of paperwork. I'm tired of obsessing. I'm tired of wrestling with God. I'm tired of laying in bed fighting my fleshly desires to engage in worry.
I just want things to move on from this stage.

But, I know I'm not ready. I haven't been educated enough on attachment issues, or developmental delays, or trauma issues, or neglect and abuse issues, or determined WHERE they will all sleep, or how we will transport them, or how we will afford to clothe them, or  how exactly I'm supposed to fit laundry for 9 into a 7 day week, or how I will homeschool 7 with three that are severely delayed.

But, I'm still missing them. Even though I don't know them. Even though I'm scared out of my mind with the report details we have read. I'm a ball of twisted, mushy, emotions right now. It's not a pretty sight.

Here's the deal...
We saw their photos last Wednesday. We were sitting in the parking lot of Lifeway bookstore, all crowded in the front of the suburban looking at Brent's work computer (THANK GOD FOR WORK COMPUTERS THAT HAVE CONSTANT INTERNET!) when their faces came up in the email. Three little faces staring back at us, haunting me ever since. And I had a horrible emotional knot in my stomach. They were sweet children. Beautiful. I expected to feel elated and excited. It's the moment we'd been waiting for! But I didn't feel it. Nothing. I was just numb. Then I felt guilty because I wasn't elated or excited. Then I felt mad that I was such a lowlife for not being happy over this moment.  And I had to hide it from the kids. I had to smile and force the joy. I never felt more fake.

Up until that point all we'd seen was a psychological report from the children's orphanage. It was daunting. It was filled with really hard stuff. And it had become how I visualized them in my mind. Child #1=dramatic problem A, Child #2=overwhelming problem B, Child #3= get over my expectations C....

I don't want hard stuff. I want sweet little children who will just float into our family seemlessly. .(You don't have to tell me how lame I sound. I know it.) I am wrestling with God over this whole report. I don't wanna do hard stuff. But, I think he's telling us to. But I don't want to.

Their story is very sad and there is lots of potential for us to go through some difficult days ahead. We've prayed and asked for more information about them, searched our hearts over and over. Too quickly my head and heart get all jumbled and tangled together and I can't seem to sort out my fears and my faith.

Mostly, Fear takes the lead and my trust is left in the dust. Then other times, the answer of whether we say "yes" to these lovies is so clear. THEY are hurting. THEY need love. THEY are the "least of these".

Ugh. My flesh is so demanding and forceful. It constantly asserts itself, planting more seeds of doubt. "Can you handle these issues? No way! You're not equipped! There are other, more capable families out there to handle this stuff. What about our birth kids?"

But faith responds back "Of course, I'm not equipped! If you were, you wouldn't need God! Don't you think He's big enough to protect your birth kids and keep your family from falling apart?"

But I keep having to surrender my plans, my expectations to Him. They are older than we'd hoped for. They are in a different location than we were planning on asking for. They have a past that I wasn't banking on. They just weren't what WE were planning on.

Get that? WE.... ME..... I.
Surely, God wouldn't ask hard things of us? Uh, me.

I mean, we're already doing something "huge". Come on, adding 3 more kiddos is enough for God to ask us to do. We wouldn't actually be asked to do something HARDER than just bringing 3 kiddos into our home.... Would He?  Would He?

Well, why in the world, wouldn't He?

He loves me. IF the way He is going to grow me and draw me closer to Him and help me to learn to rely and depend on Him, is through adopting children that are "complicated", then He is going to do it because it is GOOD for me. It is more than good. It is His BEST for me. He wants me to be filled with JOY over what He can overcome in my ugly flesh.

And in His sovereign plan, it is his BEST for these little sweeties, too. Could we-I- really be what they need? No, but He is what they need. And I can show them the way to Him.

This isn't about me. I am merely a tool, a vessel being used by my Lord to further His Kingdom.

I know all the right answers. I know He is in control. He will give us the grace and strength to walk the path He calls us to. I know I will grow in this. I know that right now I am right where I should be. Begging and pleading for peace. Keeping Him busy hearing my heart's cry. I know that surrender is what I need. It just won't come. I'm too busy wrestling. But, I know it will. It will. He has said it would. And I believe Him.