Heavy News

Deep Breath....Here it goes...

We have some heavy news. It looks like our adoption may be coming to a screeching halt. At this point we seriously need a miracle.  Here are the details:

As many of you know, we have been in the process of waiting for our agency to get accreditation from the Central DIF in Mexico City in order to be able to submit our dossier. This process of accreditation for our agency has been long and tedious and filled with broken promises from the Mexican government. Yet, everything seemed to be going well. Slow but well.

Until last week.

Last Wednesday I spoke to Beth, our social worker, who informed me that our agency's accreditation approval had been denied. Apparently, they were denied because they had listed several older waiting children on their website in hopes of finding them families. But this is against the new Centralization policy. So our agency got a denial letter stating that they cannot do adoptions in Mexico at all. It doesn't matter that they have written permission from children's govt. authorities  to post the pictures. The Central DIF didn't ever ask questions or mention the policy in the past so it was quite a shock to everyone when the denial letter came.

Our agency held a conference call with the Mexico Program Families and let us know of the situation. They immediately submitted an appeal letter to allow them to explain the evidence, however there is no "appeal process". So we are just praying that Mexico will be gracious and hear the request. We don't have a whole lot of hope, however. They haven't been very easy to work with up to this point, and with all the political unrest with immigration issues between the US and Mexico, we kind of think this has been a factor in the decision making. Already, it has been ten days since the Central DIF received the appeal request and there has not been a single peep out of them.

So, at this point,we realize that unless God chooses to do a miracle, we have lost our chance to adopt "our" kids and quite possibly the opportunity to adopt in Mexico at all.

Sadness doesn't even begin to describe the range of emotions we've been experiencing the past week. We are full of confusion and heartbreak. We have already lost the first set of children we had fallen in love with, and now the thought of losing these three little sweeties is almost too much.

Actually, it isn't so much our loss we are sad about. We will move on with life., make decisions about the future and go on living with our four children here in relative wealth. Yet, our heart is breaking for these three children whose future is now very, very bleak. The oldest is turning 10 this fall and from what I understand, she will be too old to stay in her present orphanage. We don't know what will happen to her. Will she be sent to another orphanage? If so, not only does she not get a family, but she will lose the only family she does have- her brother and sister... Obviously, this devastates us. Thinking about it makes me cry. These kids have lost so much already. Now this?

We have done a lot of soul searching and crying out to the Lord, wrestling with Him over our sadness. We have run the gamut of emotions. At first we were in shock as we processed the information and implications.

Then the doubt set in.

What if God was closing the door to adoption? What if we really didn't hear God's call? What if it was really just our own idea? What if it was all an emotional response after the two miscarriages we had the previous year? Maybe it wasn't God's voice we heard, but ours? If that is so, then I don't know if I've EVER heard God's voice, because we thought the idea of adoption was so clearly His idea.  Doubt. Doubt. Doubt  Yuck.

Thankfully, God sent many strong, faithful friends to uphold us, pray with us, and encourage us when we were too weak in our faith to think clearly. Wendy, my dear, sweet sister in Christ encouraged me with the statement (I think it is a quote...)

"Do not doubt in the darkness what you have known to be true in the light."

That was so helpful. The tears started flowing again when she said it- balm to my wounded heart. It really refocused me when I was letting the enemy distract me with doubt. After thinking on that and God bringing Scripture verse after Scripture verse to me, I feel like we are heading out of doubt and into hope.

Then came the questions? What are our other options? There is only one other agency that is accredited to work in Mexico (yes, only one- can you believe it?!) And unfortunately they only work in the state of Taluca. And, they haven't received a single child to their program even though they've been accredited for over a year. So that prospect didn't look too hopeful. And there is no way we could still get "our" kids in Mexico City since they aren't approved there.

There is another agency, who is in the process of getting accreditation, which is still doing adoptions the old way- directly with the state itself. Not through the Federal level government. And, they are working in Chihuahua, which is where we originally had hoped to adopt from. Yet, this situation poses tons of risk. What if they get stuck in the same mess that our agency got stuck in with the accreditation?  We could get all the way to the end of the process and the Central DIF could say it didn't count and nullify the adoption. So many questions and sketchy issues with this option.

Anyway, this is where we stand right now. We're overwhelmed.
Sad.
Scared.
Mad.
Frustrated.
Anxious.

Yet, through it we are trying to remind each other that God IS in control. He IS the One who gave us the call to adopt. We are certain of it. We are choosing to crush the doubt and confusion that the enemy wants us to wallow in. Our emotions are raw- yes. However, we will trust in His goodness and faithfulness. Whatever His plan is, we desire to follow it. WHATEVER. Even if it means we can't adopt "our" kids. Even if it means we can't adopt from Mexico. Even if it means we don't adopt at all.  Believing that and saying it from my heart is easier some moments than others, to be completely honest. Yet, no matter how small our faith is at this moment, We choose to trust that He will always do good. Always.

Holland???

I finally just heard from Beth, our new social worker from Gladney.

The meeting that was supposed to happen two Thursdays ago never occurred.

Apparently, the head DIF people up and left for Holland!

Yeah, I know I wrote Holland. And yes, I was saying, "Huh? Why?" too.

Unfortunately, Gladney just doesn't know. We are hoping that they are going to get some answers from the HAGUE people who's main office is in the Netherlands. We're hoping that they will find, once and for all, that all this additional approval is unnecessary since HAGUE has already accredited our agency.

But, honestly we don't know for sure.

Maybe they took a vacation? Watching the World Cup? Who knows?

No one from the Central DIF office contacted Gladney to let them know that they weren't going to have the meeting. John, the Gladney staff person in Mexico, talked with Sari, a contact (actually part owner of our kids' orphanage, I think) in Mexico City who sits on the DIF committee. She told him about the impromptu trip to Holland.

So where does this leave us? Waiting some more. We were hopeful that we'd be bringing our kiddos home this fall/early winter, but by the looks of things now, I'll be surprised if it happens by next spring.

Also, Beth told us that a bunch of our paperwork will probably be out of date by the time the DIF gets it, but not to get it redone quite yet. We should wait until we're pretty certain things are imminent.

Sigh.

I'm just praying that God would grow me (us) through this process. I'm assuming that I have a lot to learn before these chicos come home. I'm grateful that He loves me so much to teach me these lessons and not leave me to my own flesh.

When the gardener prunes a bush, he does it for it's good. To make it beautiful and more abundant.

God is doing the same thing in me. All these things are for my good, to give me an abundant life full of joy in Him.

Yet the pruning is painful. And sometimes the bush looks awkward and strange during the process.

I think that describes things pretty good right now. Painful, awkward and strange.

But the hope I have for the beautiful future that awaits keeps me joyful even while being in the pruning stage.

Lord, let me wait with hopeful expectancy on the work you are bringing to fruition, thankful for the pain and trial you bring first.

Opportunity

Today's  conference call answered no new questions on where we stand on the approval process. Things are still being worked out and no one knows what is going to happen or when it's going to happen.

 But, a very important piece of information came out during the call- which really was the reason behind why it was ultimately scheduled.

Our wonderful, social worker, Susanna, is leaving the agency. After being with Gladney for 13 years and essentially starting the Mexico program for the agency, she is leaving to pursue another career.

I can't blame her. It must be an extremely stressful job. All of us whiny, anxious, paper-pregnant mom's-to-be calling and emailing constantly, confident that our adoption journey is more important than anyone else's...asking questions over and over...dealing with government red tape, foreign politics and people who don't do what they say they're going to do...being on call 24-7 when someone is in country finalizing...networking, contacting, endless hours on the phone...NOT an easy job.

That said... we're going to really miss her. She has wonderful contacts and I just felt "safe" knowing she understood the process.

That doesn't mean her successor can't do a good job. Beth seems very sweet, on top of information,  and people from the Columbia program seem to love her.

To be honest, I feel a little anxiety knowing that at the height of all this uncertainty with Gladney's approval we will have to start over with someone who doesn't have the same connections as Susanna. Someone who will be playing catch-up to learn the Mexico set of rules (which incidentally change by the day or hour!).

 But, thankfully, Beth  is not in control of this adoption process. Neither was Susanna.

We have a much better CaseWorker on the job!

It is the Lord God, Protector of the weak, Defender of the orphan, Wisdom Giver, Family Restorer,  Political Leader Chooser, and Loving Father.

He is on the job! In fact, He invented the job!

He is the one who is in control of each and every step, each and every document, each and every child, each and every government official, each and every social worker.

I'm glad the Lord is rooting out this false sense of "safety" that was present in me when I was trusting in Susanna's experience. (Oh, I wasn't for the few hours after the phone call. I was really struggling.)

But, after thinking and praying, I was convicted about where I was ultimately placing my trust. In Susanna's experience or in God's plan? (I think the answer is obvious!)

It's always a fascinating thing for me when God exposes the lies that I've been believing and I didn't even realize it. But it's a good opportunity for God to wash me clean of the ugliness of my faith in self or others, and make me begin stepping out in faith again. I just wish we didn't have to go through that process so frequently!

I'll be praying for Beth. She has a big job ahead of her. But, thankfully, she has a big God to lead her.

May He be magnified in this new circumstance!

For me when I forget...

This link is here for me, and maybe it will be here for you too, when in the midst of the struggles of life, most particularly the adoption journey, I can be reminded that  I cannot continue in the flesh.

This whole process is a walking in the Spirit. He began the work in our hearts, opened our eyes to the desperate need of orphans, gave us hearts that have been broken by the very thing that breaks His heart and caused us to have the faith to step out and make the phone call to say "yes".

How, can I ever think for a moment that now I am in control? That I have any say over each step?

I am called to be completely and utterly dependent on Him. Yet, who better to make ourselves vulnerable to than One who has already planned the whole thing! May I remember these things, when my flesh demands its own way and deceives me into thinking I can accomplish things in my own strength.

The Drop of the Roller Coaster... Again...

I have never in my life experienced the rise and fall of emotion like during this adoption process. Last entry we were full of excitement and on top of the world, having sent off our dossier, just waiting for the big day when we'd hear that our dossier could be submitted.
Last night, though, we got an email from our social worker saying there are new problems with the agency approval. Apparently, Mexico does not have the Interpol clearance, even though they had told our agency they did back in April. There is a bunch of confusion on the US side and the Mexico side and our agency is stuck in  the middle not knowing what's going on.  This is terribly disappointing since tomorrow is the monthly meeting to review the agency paperwork and now we have no idea when that will take place. At minimum it's another month. Worst case scenario- well, we don't even know yet. This means it also pushes back dossier submission dates, which is frustrating for all the families waiting.
We are vacillating between frustration and faith today. God is in control and this hasn't taken him by surprise. Even though we are filled with disappointment because this delays our process, we are choosing to trust His timing. We are fully convinced that God is using this to refine our faith, scrape away our own desires and be filled with trust and peace. Going through the refining fire is never a painless process, though, so we would ask for your prayers during this time. We truly desire that God be magnified through the events of our adoption, and all involved can see His sovereignty. Maybe He will do that by bringing a miracle in the midst of this situation, or He will be honored by our hearts learning to trust in ways we haven't before. Either way, may He be glorified....

Loved this article

This link was so powerful to me, not just about adoption, but about living life as a believer in general.
Read it and tell me what you all think...

http://dillonadopt.blogspot.com/2010/03/if-something-is-hard-does-that-mean-we.html

Update!!

FINALLY! I have a moment to update everyone with what's happening with our adoption! It's been an insanely crazy month.

To start, our homestudy is complete! Yay! We finished all our online classes, had several meetings with our social worker, who was wonderful btw, and got all the revisions done to suit our primary agency.  The finalized copy has been sent to them and I am awaiting a letter of approval.

Once I get that approval letter from our agency, I can mail off our I-800A to get approval from USCIS. I'm hoping that will happen by the end of the week, but since we've been getting a record snowfall here in Baltimore, it may be few extra days until we can dig ourselves out of our driveway and make it to the FED EX drop off.

Last week we made another trip down to Pikesville to get more copies of birth certificates since Mexico has recently changed some of the documents needed for the dossier and now wants all the kids certificates too. I would have just ordered them from the online site vitalcheck, but needing double copies for all of us plus marriage certificates would have cost me twice as much (their fees are so high!).  So we had a fun family afternoon hanging out in Vital Records! Ah, the family bonding happening as you squeeze 6 people along a very LONG waiting line of very cranky people! LOL!

The past few weeks were filled with uncertain feelings all over again. We found out that our agency is still waiting for certification from the Central DIF office. In the past, each individual state was in charge of their own adoptions. But recently, the person in charge of the Federal level of DIF is changing the way adoptions are initiated. All the dossiers will now have to go through this new office and they will decide which state they will send your paperwork to. This will make the process so much more understandable and uniform once all the kinks are worked out. It's just mayhem right now as they go through the process of reforming the details. Now our agency is being told that they need Federal level approval. And it is taking forever. Mexico keeps asking for more documentation.
So we'd personally really been wrestling with whether to stick with our agency or even stay with the country of Mexico. It made for a week or two of unrest and lots of searching for answers that no one really has the answers to. We still have feelings of doubt (well, at least I do. Brent is more confident.) but made the decision to stay the course and not change plans until we had clearer direction from the Lord. He is the one who put all of this on our heart, and He is a big enough God to work out agency approvals and lack of staffing in the Central DIF.

To add to the journey, we were informed about another sibling group that our agency has been told about. I don't want to tell much information just yet, but just know that it isn't as easy of a decision to accept this sibling group as it was the last one. Things are more complicated and a decision still has not been reached. These kids DEFINITELY need a loving home. We're just not sure if we are the right one or not.

We are praying and asking lots of questions to have as much information as possible before deciding. Surrendering our preconceived ideas and expectations is becoming a theme during this whole process and I'm certain God is using this situation with these children to cause us to search our hearts to know if we are doing this for Him, or for us. Boy, seeing how much selfishness can be dredged up from the bottom of my heart is disgusting! But, God is so gracious to grow us more like Him by guiding us through these lessons where we learn more of His mercy and compassion towards us. Adoption is quite a sanctifying process!

Adios, amigos!
Tiffany

Oh, that this would happen!

10 prayers for adoption from The Gospel Coalition.... see the link...see if God will use you as part of the answer to this prayer.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2010/01/13/10-prayers-for-the-sake-of-orphans-in-2010/

Please read this...

My friends,
You need to read this girl's blog. At least the first few entries on this page. You. Just. Need. To.
Love,
Tiffany

I'm Pooped!

I am so exhausted! It's a good exhaustion, though. Wanna know why? Ok, since you asked, I'll tell you! LOL!

Last Monday, I was emailing a few questions to our homestudy lady and I casually asked if she'd turned in our health department form and how long would it take for them to call for the appointment. Boy am I glad I asked! Apparantly I misunderstood who was supposed to get the Health Inspection Request form! I sent it to my agency instead of straight to the Health Dept.! I was so bummed! I turned that paper in a few weeks ago and now I was going to be behind! (You see I have had it in my head to get this homestudy done by Christmas. I know it is probably unrealistic, but I can hope, can't I?)
Now I had to re-do the form, send it in and wait 2-3 MORE weeks before they even call for an appointment! Count out the "by Christmas" plan!
Ok, can you see where this is going? Already, after such a GOD MOMENT last week, I was already starting to assume control over this whole situation. I wanted MY timeline. My Plan! Sheesh. The nerve I have, right?
 Unfortunately, I didn't clue in to this myself. My loving hubby pointed it out gently. Thankfully, God is quick to forgive and give peace! God gave me a calmness and peacefulness so that I could not be annoyed at my homestudy lady or anyone else that crossed my path! (Oh, I hate when I get like this! Just keepin' it honest, though.)
So, first thing Tuesday, I filled out a new form and sent it with Brent for him to HAND DELIVER to the Health Department across the street from his office.
Later that day I found an email from Brent saying that the actual Health Inspector was there and spoke to him personally! He even set up an appointment ON THE SPOT! For Monday! Can you believe it? I think this all worked out even better than if it had gone right in the first place! So now, we're still on track for finishing by Christmas! I know I don't deserve that, after my snotty controling attitude, but God is so gracious!
And, just because He can, He had the Fire Inspector call and set up his appointment for tomorrow! Whew!

So, the reason that I'm pooped is because we've been working our backsides to the bone getting the house TOTALLY clean and fixed up! Let me just tell you, I've found places to clean in this house that I didn't even know existed!
Brent has been going strong fixing screening in a few windows, installing more smoke detectors in EACH room, taking lots of junk to the dumpster, sorting through every various chemical in our house since certain things aren't allowed in certain rooms, baby proofing (which is so funny because we've never baby-proofed the house, we house-proofed the babies), rearranging our storage room so nothing is stored within 30 inches of any combustion-producing appliance (believe me, I've measured!), putting up a sign that has our house number on it, and vacuuming any evidence of furry friends that make their home in our basement in the winter (just part of living in the country!).
The kids have worked very hard, too. In fact they earned quite a decent paycheck for some of their chores. I think I will find myself broke!
After all this cleaning and fixing, it does feel nice knowing it is done. In fact, I told Brent that maybe we should schedule a Health Inspection every year, adoption or no adoption- just for the pressure to keep it clean! He didn't find that funny. I think I heard him muttering something about getting a divorce....LOL!

SOOOO, we are on the final stretch of our paperwork for our homestudy! I can finally turn in the last bit of paperwork! Next is on to interviews!

Overwhelmed- but you don't want to miss this...

I don't even know where to begin this entry. It's long and complicated, but it is God's story, so I can't wait to tell it.

Since the beginning, this adoption has been God's idea. He planted the seed in our minds. He gave peace when it didn't make sense. He provided confirmation after confirmation. He allowed us to find the children we fell in love with. He made all the pieces fall in place with the agonizing decision over which agency to go with.

So this week has really been where the rubber meets the road. We have mentally and emotionally engaged in this plan, but now reality is setting in and we needed to make some decisions on HOW we were going to financially pay for this. Most people get a home equity loan and are done with it. Well, since we don't our home, that's not an option. We found a few places that offered interest free adoption loans and grants. They look like wonderful ministries and I called and spoke to them to find out the requirements.

The thing is this: getting a loan totally alleviates the need for us to NEED God. Not  that a loan is wrong- I would never, ever say that. God uses those loans in a wonderful way. BUT, this year God has been teaching Brent and I what it means to live in a radical way. We have been discovering that in the US, Christians don't NEED God to show up very often because we are self-sufficient. We have life insurance, health insurance, retirement plans, car loans, house loans, savings accounts... etc.

Not that any of that is wrong. Hear me on this! It's just that we MISS so many blessings because we don't MAKE OURSELVES DEPENDENT ON HIM!  Brent and I have wrestled with this a lot this year. How do you really live a Life of faith in the US? Usually we have moments in our lives where we need God to work, but not on  a daily basis.  We are learning that we want to live life differently than the way we have been. I don't want to get to the end of my days and God show me all the ways He wanted to work in my life, but I didn't need Him to because I'd already had a backup plan because I didn't really think He would show up!  (I know that is doctrinally incorrect, but you guys get what I'm saying, right?)

So, after much discussion, prayer and  peace from the Holy Spirit, Brent and I decided that we would not take a loan out for the adoption. We would step out in faith and let God be the one to provide for every dollar. It was His idea anyway.  If that means that the money trickles in slowly over months and months, so be it. This was SUPER hard for me, because I'm trying to finish all our homestudy paperwork at breakneck speed. I don't want these little Mexican Sweeties to have to spend one day longer than necessary in that orphanage. The thought of all our paperwork being completed, but it just sitting there in a file until all the funds were raised was a very real and difficult reality. But, again came that PEACE. You know- the unexplainable kind. The kind He keeps giving when it doesn't make sense. A total surrender and trust. Ah.

Well, I have to say that right now God has invaded our lives in an INCREDIBLE way. This week God showed off. He just loves it when His people stop trying to control His plan! He wants us to just watch Him work!
This week- out of the blue- someone has decided to bless us with- get this- $20,000. Yes, that's the right number of zeros.

Can I just tell you how overwhelmed I feel right now? I am overwhelmed that God loves us so much that He would do this just because He can! I'm overwhelmed because for the first time I truly put my complete faith in Him with no backup plan and we got to truly see Him work. I am overwhelmed because the people who are blessing us with this support need this money as much as we do. They have given up their future nest egg because they choose to live in obedience and faith also. I am overwhelmed that I am experiencing a little bit of what it must have been like in the early church- when "they had all things in common".

After the tears, the shock, the shaking hands, more tears- I realized that suddenly our lives became VERY clear. Life doesn't look so complicated. Not because we got a huge monetary gift, but because faith is so simple. Worry, anxiety, and fear feel like a dead enemy to me. I feel such comfort and joy in knowing that this God, who chose me and each of my days before the foundation of the world. has each moment of our lives completely under His control.

Even in the midst of such high emotions, a little sadness creeps in when I think about how, in my flesh, I will at some point fail in this simp;e faith. I will again, one day, let fear or need for control creep in. But, hopefully, I will be able to quickly recall this Huge moment of God's faithfulness and sovereignty and I will again step back into daily faith. Oh, grace, sweet grace!

So, tonight, on the evening of Thanksgiving, I must tell you all how thankful I am. Yes, for the physical money- it is a real need- but mostly for the priviledge and honor I feel, knowing that I belong to One who does not struggle with moving mountains. I am His child and I am so glad He invited me into His journey.